Good Heavens! Its near nauseating the way the chakka chaps and desi dykes on facebook are waving their garishly painted fingernails and going ohh and aah over the Supreme Court in the US of A giving same sex couples the right to marry.

Don’t get Auntie wrong, my darlings. I’m really happy for all the hundreds of LGBT couples from Alaska to Alabama who are now tying themselves in knots to tie the proverbial knot. Weddings are no cake-walk! But what makes me want to puke is this ‘washing yourself with rainbow colours on facebook’ stunt. Of course, there are some LGBTIQ out there on facebook and the social media who have been ‘out and proud’ through thick and thin and others who have happily reposted every bit of queer news from around the globe they could lay their mouse on. So it is but natural if they go with the flow and wash themselves in rainbows for a while. But it bugs me no end when the status images of closeted homophobes are refracting rainbow washed ‘equality’.

Get this straight, bitches: SCOTUS ain’t gonna influence SCOTROI to review that horrendous piece of toilet paper smear it passed, giving all the homophobes in India the fundamental right to demean us, violate us, discriminate against us, throw us in jail, give us electric shock treatment. And as for the vast majority of the hetero Indian community that’s going ‘rainbow’ all over the internet, it’s just a fad, a token, that’s all.

Jeez, all this hungama over gays getting married! Honestly! Right now there’s this semi-literate thirty something fellow sniffing around my tail, a two-bit director of smutty Bhojpuri videos, who’s swearing eternal fidelity but actually wants to stuff me three times a night and once in the morning. As jealous as my dear kothi sister Godda will be when she reads this, knowing her fascination for Bihari boys of considerable girth, the painful fact is this: a panthi and a permanent lout of a husband are entirely different things.

Do we really want to ‘legalize same sex marriage’ in India?

My Kothi sisters, that panthi of yours is happily two- timing his legally married wife, and you can always bask in the ‘sympathy’ of the international community. You can always pretend that you are your panthi’s ‘real’ love and that the wife is the ‘other woman’. And what of kothis married to women, who are husbands by night and ‘wives’ by day or vice versa? Oh how fascinatingly bitter-sweet your story seems! The fact that the Indian Penal system stigmatizes you, has made your lying, cheating, two-timing lifestyle so easy to justify!

Now, on the highly improbable chance that SCOTROI (tchh- SC of the Republic of India- duh!) throws out IPC 377 and legalizes same sex shaadi in one stroke, the ‘quaint’ and comfortable kothi-panthi dynamic is gonna be thrown out like an overused condom!

Why? Because, my dears, several of you kothi bitches are gonna want it all. You’re going to want to be the one and only legal Mrs Panthi. You’re going to tell your Panthi to man up and face the facts. Some of you with Panthis, who god forbid, may be actually in love with you, wrinkled butts, pot bellies and all, are going to tell you to dump that dominating rich wife of yours and come home to daddy – or else! Now wouldn’t that present an interesting pickle?

To add to it all, some of our high flying kothis, adequately funded by videshi compassion, will find funds deflating as quickly as … you know what. Now that you’ll be equal and free, there’ll be no moral reason for you to be the cheap, two-timing slut you are. You’ll have to be a decently married Mrs Panthi to be accepted and credible. The problem will be: you don’t have to get married, but you’ve lost your funding constituency, especially when there’s sure to be a young attractive Mr and Mr New Age gay couple, who are so squeaky clean and out there!

Ugh, ladies of all descriptions, take it from me, with a pinch of salt if you wish. Hang on to your panthi or two. I for one, ain’t gonna be pushing too hard for same-sex marriage in a hurry. The Bhojpuri smut peddler has immense  possibilities. Dear future husband can wait.

[Auntie Aleck thanks you for reading her piece, writing’s a bitch!]

  Auntie Aleck, Rainbow